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12/03/20 - Meeting #122

PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 10:03 am
Reading List
The Returnby KYLECh.7-8 4,860 words
plus a synopsis! 660 words Thank you Kyle!
A Tale of Little Consequenceby TirzahShort Story 3,126 words


CAD Supply
4726 W. Jacquelyn / Behind Costco
Dave's cell (559) 696-1475 / map
PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 9:44 am
Super Dave has come to our rescue and given us a prime venue for Tuesday evening. Thnx DAVE! :bear:
User avatar A sci-fi, fantasy, and horror webcomic and blog by Rob Lopez
PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 3:23 pm
Sweet, thanks Dave!

Here's my review of Kyle's latest chapters for The Return.

Rob's Review of Kyle - The Return - v1 -ch7-8.doc
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User avatar A sci-fi, fantasy, and horror webcomic and blog by Rob Lopez
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 4:27 am
My review of Tirzah's Tale of Little Consequence.

Rob's Review of Tirzah - Of Little Consequenc.doc
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 6:07 pm
Thanks, Rob!

re: the meeting. I assume that since we're meeting in an office this will be an "eat first" affair?
User avatar A sci-fi, fantasy, and horror webcomic and blog by Rob Lopez
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 7:03 pm
Either that or bring snacks!
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 7:07 pm
Dave has let us bring food before, but we really really don't want to leave mustard and rootbeer stains all over the carpet. So I would suggest "clean" snacks, unless you are confident of getting all your consumables completely into your alimentary canal (from the top end, of course).
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2012 12:09 pm
Meeting #122 Notes by töff
  • March 20th, 6:30-10:00pm
  • CAD Supply -- Dave's most awesome office, a near-perfect venue -- thank you, Dave!
  • In attendance (?): Alisha, Ann, Dave, Elle, Jim, Kyle, Miranda, Rob, Tirzah, töff.
Reviewed in discussion:

"A Tale Of Little Consequence" by Tirzah
Talking Points
  • His hindsight/vision occurs immediately after the event that makes a future impossible. This needs to be clear immediately to the reader. I finally understood it about the third or fourth time it arose.
  • Very low dialog ... tends to give some of us the impression that it's telling rather than showing.
  • Try putting in this scene: he accidentally opens up a little to Tempest about himself. More reader investment in his character.
  • Enhance his love for her. It's not deeply enough established.
  • She has no reason to want to die. Why is she so happy that he's killing her? She knows he doesn't care; it's not an act of rebellion. Why does she give up on life?
  • This is not Earth; it is medieval-level tech. Establish the world more quickly.
  • She seems to dig a pit that would take six strong men all day long to dig. It's a huge amount of work! It is all a distraction from the plot anyway. Ditch it. HAHAHAHAH get it? get it? "Ditch" it. :)
  • Does he ever try to use his visions to determine how to act? or are the vision purely completely impossible and therefore useless to him? -- Suggestion: maybe he gets stymied every time he tries to act on knowledge he gained from a vision.
  • Does he see what COULD have been or what WOULD have been? How would he know?
AlishaUnique storyline, ditto Rob.No clear decision about does she want to live or die.
AnnThe irony.n/a
DaveI love the irony, the twists. The vision of the guy he kills, who would have been singing. And the dolphin!I miss the dialog.
ElleLove the anti-seer, and the bad karaoke singer.The ending, what she felt, was confusing & anticlimactic, and foreshadowed by the title.
JimReally enjoy the writing style, colorful phrasing.I miss the dialog; without it, didn't bond as strongly to the characters.
KyleThe all-too-human nature of Shore's superpower, because we've all had that experience.The opening, a week start.
MirandaThe visions: "too bad, shit happens."She should have put up a fight.
RobA unique take on clairvoyance.Worst superpower ever.
töffThe mechanism of his vision: he sees futures that have just become impossible. Nifty concept!Suicide is too easy an ending. Surely he has previously experienced the loss of wonderful personal futures. Why is this one so terrible that he kills himself in anguish over it? -- Fix: Specify that the worst visions he's ever had were the ones of personal loss, but NO MAJOR LOSS; he's never seen anything half as powerful or anguishing. as the vision he sees at the end.

"The Return" Ch.7-8 by Kyle
Talking Points
  • No response about his hand catching on fire. They've all got used to these things happening?
  • No emotion as Manfield says goodbye to his wife & child?
  • The shootout was not too clear about exactly who got shot (for careless readers like me, anyway).
  • FBI; why no Homeland Security? -- and mention Guantanamo Bay in the interrogation. These words help set the story in the proper era.
  • The agents seem a little bit casual about it, considering the imminence and seriousness of a nuclear threat.
  • Suspension of disbelief issue about the reveal: what is King Arthur doing in America!? (Is the answer to come later?)
  • "If I don't check in, they'll detonate": tension! ... "We've got about 8 hours": not so much tension.
  • Why a white guy and some Middle Eastern guys? Is there a reason for the mix?
  • Fix the thing about character knowledge: Blair speculates about a ship to move the bomb, but we already know it's to be detonated in town. Also clarify "nuke" (Polaski) vs. "dirty" (which a poison bomb, not a nuke).
  • Describe the terrain. LA readers will love it, people who don't know LA will understand the scenes better. It's important in two places in the plot: the bomb placement, and the chase up the canyon.
  • Give some of these guys names. You refer to Navy Whites too many times for him not to have a name. Or somebody who doesn't know his name might refer to him as "Navy Whites."
  • Check the way to defuse a nuke. I don't think you want to expose yourself to the core.
  • Did the media say there's a nuclear weapon loose in the city? Mass hysteria! What about an Amber Alert instead?
  • Having a non-stereotype maid would be a great setup for Polaski's comment, "Do I look like a terrorist?" and Winters' answer.
AlishaDialog! You write such good dialog.(Had to skip reading the middle due to time.)
AnnArthur's eccentricities.n/a
DaveDialog, action, scene breaks, moved right along!Defusing the bomb -- wanted to google how to disarm a nuke. Want a little more detail about the early attacks.
ElleJuxtaposition of modern times vs. King Arthur. The pacing & drama.Why is Arthur in the U.S.? -- distracting from the drama of the reveal.
JimThe Lady In White. She is a good foreshadow for the reveal.Some scenes need more emotion, maybe via more dialog.
MirandaThe whole concept of whether Arthur's "really here" or not.Unclear about the nuke / dirty bomb. Also want a little more emotion re the bomb danger.
RobThe return of King Arthur!Middle Eastern guys freaking out about the big reveal; they have their own problems, and the big reveal is not physically enough to draw such attention from them.
TirzahThe interrogation scene, the ever-mounted tension and Arthur himself (the modern-day character). But even Arthur was overshadowed by the reveal that he is King Arthur.A couple present tenses that should be past. Navy White's lack of protective gear.
töffThe pace & scene structure: snappy!No map of L.A. -- meaning brief terrain descriptions (not a graphic map).

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